My picture

I somewhat shy away from my picture being taken. Not when I’m with friends or family, even though then I still get anxious – will I look good? Is my double chin out again? Do I look natural? Am I enjoying myself? I should probably take another pic just in case.

Some possible reasons:


1/ My mum used to take pictures of me as a kid. Which was both fun and boring. Fun when the picture turned out to be nice. Boring because to get a nice picture it would take half a day. Maybe it was these hours spent in front of the camera that made me look around and see the world as a picture.
2/ Mum would also tell me that make-up is for the stage. And as a mini-ballerina with a mother who always went au natural that seemed plausible enough. That little theory suited me well in high-school. Everyone had gotten used to me never wearing makeup so when I did it was a huge surprise. I quickly figured this out and would wear makeup when I was feeling particularly teenageously hideous aka I had a pimple.
3/ I get uncomfortable about unwarranted sexual attention. I love it when I want it. But I don’t deserve unconditional attention because I’m take the space of a female human shape. I was once told my LinkedIn picture was beautiful. I changed it. Being beautiful is not a necessary factor when applying for a job.In conclusion, I want to participate in social media but I don't find it natural at all. 

I'm generally a private person. An overshare-er because I love awkward humour but private about my personal life. But it's 2016 and I want to be there and be part of the conversation. I have good things to say. I understand various concepts. I know what I stand for. I am doing. I am going to do! To write and express and be present. In this moment. I am here.


13 March 2016, update:

I recently found the hashtag icanbeboth.

https://twitter.com/hashtag/icanbeboth
https://www.instagram.com/explore/tags/icanbeboth/


This movement expresses what I didn't know existed. That I limited my choices and experiences because I felt I could not be both intelligent and beautiful. That one excluded the other. This was reinforced by many people around me. Most notably, a male friend that I worked with commenting that I was the most fashionable at work (I now dress like a slob to work), that my LinkedIn picture was beautiful (as above) and that if I'm considering a career change I should become a bank teller (after receiving the same education at the same university). 

*blogger is being bullshit and not formatting properly. I have tried 1000 times. What a piece of shit.

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