Musings


I’m trying to be quite. To listen and to concentrate. But there’s always a gushing of water in my mind. An unsettled muse who makes my heart tremble when I ignore her. She has the annoying quality of always being right. Not about everything because she is still a part of me but about what I want. Yeah, the bitch has got the goods. She is quiet now. Quieter the longer I sit here and click away at the glowing keys. I think about her all day long. We form songs, and dance, and play. We remember the sunlight together, the ocean around us, the wind. She is always with me. And I am always thinking about her. I want her to know that she has value, she is so valuable to me. She is my greatest distraction and most prominent joy. 

The world does not make sense to me without her. I have neglected her, many times before, as I have let myself be neglected. She doesn't seem to mind though. Not because she can’t see her own value but because she sees mine. She knows my purpose, intent, was never to hide her or hurt her. She speaks through me and my eyes focus, my exterior is calm but inside I am burning, turning thoughts together and pacing my heart. 

She has been there from the beginning, when she was just small and I eagerly walked by her side. She made me stick out alright. We danced like nobody was watching while everyone watched. We sang like nobody could hear in the choir. We spoke the truth as we came to know it, as solid as a rock. Until the water came to wash our truth away. I know the moments I ignored her. That boy I kissed who tortured not only my heart. That drink I had when I wanted none. The time I gave to those that only took from me. 

Yes, I ignored you well, and you were screaming. But you are so fucking strange! What the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously? Who wants to do what you do? No one! Thats why no ones doing the things you think of. That’s why, at each step, there’s not only an obstacle, there’s no net. There are plenty of nets available just that the fisherman are all having a nap. 

Yes, I waited. I did. I would play tricks on the side and entertain you a little. We had some fun though right? Sometimes we had fun? I like it when you smile. I like seeing your teeth and your eyes wrinkle. You are really beautiful and I like it when we sit together. I think you’re really smart. I think that you imagine outside of the system because there is no system, at least not one that wasn’t of our making. We can remake them. Unmake them. It all takes time, it takes time. I know. I see it. I can tell.

So? We have the idea. The next most important step is the communication of ht idea, that’s what will get us. The execution is execution, once its across the line, we got this. But communicating the big idea so that other people, not just you or I will understand, there’s the gold. That’s what we need to focus on. I have to show up. I know. I have to be here. 

I feel so vulnerable though. We’ve never fully committed to each other before. I have been committed before. I miss it. I miss the embrace of love. So I wonder, if I love you, will you love me back? I think you just might.

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