What if.

What if.

I ran
I wrote
I spoke
I acted
I edged

I saw
and heard
and felt

let go
held on


and action
for meaning

if              if               if              if              if
Who?      What?      Where?      Why?      When?

I              live           here           for            now

Queen Victoria Swag.

Markets are great. If you manage to get to them on time. For me, the perfect time to go to the markets is when they're closing so you can get lots of good deals for super duper cheap. And there's less people there. I went to the Queen Vic Market today and it wasn't so fabulous (I only bought pumpkins, tomatoes and bananas) however I managed to scrounge around my kitchen and make something that I'd like to eat. My friends like to make fun of me because I manage to find foods appetising even when their flavour can only be described as: 'dirt', 'of the earth', 'very green' and 'really?'. However the 'recipe' that I posted on YouTube (minus measurements) is tasty! I don't use a lot of salt or oil in my cooking mainly because I've overused both key items so much in previous dishes that I can no longer be trusted with them. That being said #chipsarelife.

Bubble and stew ingredients (changes over time)
- onion
- garlic
- black limes
- turmeric
- seasoning
- chilli flakes
- lentils
- potatoes
- carrots
- water
- bay leaves
- red cabbage
- rainbow chard

 I hope you enjoyed this recipe and video! Let me know if you want to see more like this :)

Queen Victoria Swag.

Markets are great. If you manage to get to them on time. For me, the perfect time to go to the markets is when they're closing so you can get lots of good deals for super duper cheap. And there's less people there. I went to the Queen Vic Market today and it wasn't so fabulous (I only bought pumpkins, tomatoes and bananas) however I managed to scrounge around my kitchen and make something that I'd like to eat. My friends like to make fun of me because I manage to find foods appetising even when their flavour can only be described as: 'dirt', 'of the earth', 'very green' and 'really?'. However the 'recipe' that I posted on YouTube (minus measurements) is tasty! I don't use a lot of salt or oil in my cooking mainly because I've overused both key items so much in previous dishes that I can no longer be trusted with them. That being said #chipsarelife.

Bubble and stew ingredients (changes over time)
- onion
- garlic
- black limes
- turmeric
- seasoning
- chilli flakes
- lentils
- potatoes
- carrots
- water
- bay leaves
- red cabbage
- rainbow chard

I hope you enjoyed this recipe and video! Let me know if you want to see more like this :)

Kate Hudson's butt.

Yup. I click on ‘trashy’ mag stories. Mainly because I like the clothes and on the odd occasion I read the ‘article'. I came across a piece on Kate Hudson posting a nude of herself on Instagram today and I’ve got to say I was shocked. Not because she was naked, more power to her, but because of the write up. I am surprised that any publication would encourage this type of language - derogatory and judgemental - for something as non-issue as a nude picture. 

The write up and Kate's pics were published on nine.com.au. I've pasted it below, prepare to cringe. 

Her recent roles in Mother's Day and Kung Fu Panda 3 were never going to win awards, so what's a former Oscar nominee to do when the roles dry up? Go back to acting school? Take an extended break? Do some humanitarian work? 

If you're Kate Hudson, the answer is simple: get naked on Instagram!

Although she's still A-list in our eyes, Kate is going down a very Z-list path with her nudie-loving ways – in fact, she’s within clawing distance of Kim Kardashian’s belfie crown.

Just in case we’d forgotten about that infamous bath shot from a few months back, Kate reminded us just how peachy her derrière is with another candid (translation: totally posed) booty shot.

#prettyhappy the 37-year-old hashtagged the naughty pic. And while there’s no denying she looks great, we reckon if Kate put just half as much effort into acting as she did into Instagram, she’d be in with a shot at winning a gold statuette.

Take a look at Kate’s attempts at breaking the internet…

Author: Nadia Elshawarby Images: Kate Hudson

Ah. I get it. Nine and Nadia just wanted traffic. I get that its all about the clicks but don’t be so shit about it. Here’s my re-write just because we don’t need this kind shit out there.

As an accomplished woman, and former Oscar nominee, Kate Hudson has been having more fun with some of here recent roles like Kung Fu Panda 3 and Mother’s Day. 

Running many side projects, such as co-founding the Fabletics athletic wear line, Kate is a strong advocate for physical health which creates stronger mental health. We can see that she practices what she preaches with her most recent Instagram post: a nudie. 

Kate is a woman who is comfortable within her own skin and, from this pic, is clearly comfortable with a broader audience seeing her naked body.  Seeing someone in Kate’s position - a known face, an accomplished actor and businesswoman - showing off a side of herself that might make some feel vulnerable (such as myself) is nobody’s business but hers. Kate is the author and keeper of her own body, as any person is, and if she chooses to share that with anyone, publicly or privately, that is wholly her choice and prerogative. 

If a woman is able to present her genuine self, regardless of what that looks likes, then she deserves our support and love. You do you Kate. No woman, or person, is any lesser for posting naked pictures of themselves.

Let me know what you think of the original article and my write up. Also watch my vlog!


I've been posting videos to YouTube recently! Its been fun to work on but will inevitably reach the same road blocks as most of my creative ideas I'm sure. Simply that I wont keep it up. My list of ambitions continues to grow, which isn't necessarily bad just that it becomes difficult to manage/keep on top of/complete.

My list:
- finish writing film script
- short story
- Animal Activist Forum volunteering
- coding
- work (the daily)
- dancing
- YouTube
- singing (?)
- potential home investment
- potential Masters

Writing it out doesn't make it seem so incredibly impossible. Oh! Also I want to write regular morning pages and read! Adding those!

- morning pages
- reading

And I do this with the consideration of where I want to be in the next year. I also want to have a big travel stint in South America at some stage next year. But that will all depend on how things go here. And! I've signed up for a massive 160km bike ride in December! This year! So I have to train for that!

- cycling training

The list doesn't end for me. There are so many things to do and get done. I struggle with focus and consistency, as you can see my last post was over  month ago. Perhaps I'm slowing moving towards where I want to be. Generally each day feels better than I expected it could. So that should say something.

I'm re-centering on minimalism at the moment. I identify with minimalism mainly because its simple, makes my space easier to clean and eliminates unnecessary anxiety. Anxiety relating to needing/wanting more.

So here's to keeping it simple. Whatever that means to you.

Medium unicorn fun.

Wrote for Medium as part of our 'Not a Unicorn' project. And so it begins.

What I didn’t know I didn’t know about becoming a unicorn

Becoming a unicorn is a false ambition. What’s a unicorn? Part designer, part developer and all round sought after near mythical creature.

Sure it sounds magical but like everything being a unicorn is not what you should be aiming to attain. This is because being good, better yet great, at one thing is as valuable (or more so) than being a unicorn. So rather than try and juggle being ok at two things, focus initially on being great at one. First lesson.

Second lesson, know your history. Looking into the history of design or development provides context for what you’re doing and why it’s been done that way before. This way you won’t repeat the mistakes of those before you and you can quickly work across the system to create something magical.

Thirdly is the need to take care of yourself. If you do care about your work, you will take care of yourself. When trying to be a unicorn or a dev or a designer, you will need to be healthy. It is all too easy to lose a day’s work because you’re tired and forgot to save the code. So, go to bed before midnight. Sleep 8 hours. Eat well. Have a hobby that isn’t developing or design. See your friends. Be patient.

Fuck kinda. I am crazy.

The end comes for us all. It's how we live that counts.  

My favourite girls

Finally something wonderful happened in season 5 of girls!! Ergh so many gross and predictable scenes preceded it but finally! You had to trudge through and get to episode 9 and 10 to see the spark. Yep, you’ve gotta spend 4 hours trying to understand why the fuck the story is heading this way to really see it come together but boy oh boy does it!

Shosh was the most interesting character in the first 8 episodes. Shosh! The mousey, jacked up, eyebrow dancer who’s previous persona was a suffocating accompaniment to the other more interesting characters. She was the gritty saving grace for 8 episodes! And also quite awesome in eps 9 and 10.

Yes, it was great to see Charlie make a come back. It was cute and nice to see that two people, Marnie and Charlie, who once had a sustaining connection could still see love in each other after all the shit and so much time. Good episode. Not great but good. Heroin is unnecessary. Being a coke-a-cola dealer is more believable. But I dunno, maybe young handsome men do heroine.

Hannah just took up space in the season. She was the old Shosh. She only became interesting again when she bolted from Fran through the mens public toilets into a forrest. Gross that she suckled on Ray. Gross because it was desperate. And I don’t like the message of 'get into cars with strangers who have guns because they might teach you a great lesson about your own prejudices’ scene. That prejudice, which preludes basic safety, is one I will desperately hold onto. Don’t worry though, I Air B’n’B, that’s crazy enough.

Jessa and Adam, boooo… though two beautiful parts of their coming together stand out for me. When Jessa was on the fire escape stairs staring at Adam. I felt love between the two characters when I saw that scene. Obviously so did Hannah. The other lovely scene was when Adam said he’d pay for Jessa's schooling. That was cool. Otherwise I am not interested in that relationship. 

UNTIL as I say, the final two episodes brought it all together. Adam and Jessa’s fight scene scared me. I’m not into that dynamic. I get how it ‘works’ for the characters, especially the post fight sex*, but the yelling and the mean-ness and the throwing stuff hurts my heart. I don’t wanna watch that again. Favourite part of that fight scene? When Jessa wants to talk about Hannah and says that she wants Hannah in her life. That was true and honest. I liked it.

Erm… well… I clearly have to binge re-watch the whole season to see if my thoughts mature but these are instinctual assessments. Everything else was not memorable. The end. 

*I would have liked to see Adams penis to even out the vag show but I suppose Jessa's pretty little lady bits were covered by a handsome bush so its basically Instagram and nipples right there - meaning its not really a vag if you cover it with a little something… I wonder if it was a pussy wig? A hat for cats?...


I’m trying to be quite. To listen and to concentrate. But there’s always a gushing of water in my mind. An unsettled muse who makes my heart tremble when I ignore her. She has the annoying quality of always being right. Not about everything because she is still a part of me but about what I want. Yeah, the bitch has got the goods. She is quiet now. Quieter the longer I sit here and click away at the glowing keys. I think about her all day long. We form songs, and dance, and play. We remember the sunlight together, the ocean around us, the wind. She is always with me. And I am always thinking about her. I want her to know that she has value, she is so valuable to me. She is my greatest distraction and most prominent joy. 

The world does not make sense to me without her. I have neglected her, many times before, as I have let myself be neglected. She doesn't seem to mind though. Not because she can’t see her own value but because she sees mine. She knows my purpose, intent, was never to hide her or hurt her. She speaks through me and my eyes focus, my exterior is calm but inside I am burning, turning thoughts together and pacing my heart. 

She has been there from the beginning, when she was just small and I eagerly walked by her side. She made me stick out alright. We danced like nobody was watching while everyone watched. We sang like nobody could hear in the choir. We spoke the truth as we came to know it, as solid as a rock. Until the water came to wash our truth away. I know the moments I ignored her. That boy I kissed who tortured not only my heart. That drink I had when I wanted none. The time I gave to those that only took from me. 

Yes, I ignored you well, and you were screaming. But you are so fucking strange! What the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously? Who wants to do what you do? No one! Thats why no ones doing the things you think of. That’s why, at each step, there’s not only an obstacle, there’s no net. There are plenty of nets available just that the fisherman are all having a nap. 

Yes, I waited. I did. I would play tricks on the side and entertain you a little. We had some fun though right? Sometimes we had fun? I like it when you smile. I like seeing your teeth and your eyes wrinkle. You are really beautiful and I like it when we sit together. I think you’re really smart. I think that you imagine outside of the system because there is no system, at least not one that wasn’t of our making. We can remake them. Unmake them. It all takes time, it takes time. I know. I see it. I can tell.

So? We have the idea. The next most important step is the communication of ht idea, that’s what will get us. The execution is execution, once its across the line, we got this. But communicating the big idea so that other people, not just you or I will understand, there’s the gold. That’s what we need to focus on. I have to show up. I know. I have to be here. 

I feel so vulnerable though. We’ve never fully committed to each other before. I have been committed before. I miss it. I miss the embrace of love. So I wonder, if I love you, will you love me back? I think you just might.

The Pig Queen

I was tempted to write on international women's day. I helped facilitate a discussion about women in the workplace and unconscious bias at my work. Unconscious bias does not only apply to women but any minority that is discriminated against. In a sometimes 'rigid with process' environment, the informal discussions brought to light unconscious biases present in every part of society. This was most notable for me:

A father noticed how his daughters favourite cartoon showed the Pig King leaving every day to take care of the pig kingdom and the Pig Queen staying home to take care of the piglets.

Amongst the discussions we tried to determine what is was we could DO. What to do about unconscious bias on the local level. Without much guide it seems as though everyone is left to their own devices. And with something that we assume to be unconscious, how do we awaken consciousness to our life?

Deliberately. With intention and action. So, without direction, WE have to determine how to eliminate bias that is deeply engrained into our society. Look inwardly, sit with your bias. Think whether or not you can justify this way of thinking anymore. Create your own stories to tell your children.

There were once two rulers of all the pigs in all the land. Two of equal love and respect. Their love had grown deeply from admiration, understanding and humour. After long consideration and contemplation they consciously decided to raise piglets together.  Their home squealed with laughter, with bedtime tears and early morning sunrises. To care for their piglets the two Pigs decided to share their time at home raising their piglets and working. When one of the pigs began to work more, the other would remind them that they are equal in all their endevours in work, life and family. The two pig rulers would rebalance and reprioritise their lives. And once again, their home would be filled with squeals of laughter, goodnight kisses and early morning walks. 

Anxiety + books

My tendency for buying books and half reading them is not necessarily a demonstration of procrastination on my part. Numerous sources (including most recently an episode for Tim Ferriss's podcast by Naval Ravikant) have sited reading multiple books at a time - reading them when they serve you and depending on what mood you are in. I have a couple of books that I've been jumping in between for a while now and have just come across a line from Russ Harris's The Happiness Trap that I wanted to share with you.

"All of us, at times, avoid challenges in order to escape the stress or anxiety that goes with them."

I can say that I have found this to be true for myself. I can also say that through avoidance of my feelings, over long periods of time, I have become increasingly anxious. The whole point of avoiding challenging circumstances is to avoid anxiety. So I'm clearly missing the mark! Anxiety it is an inevitable human emotion that does not need to be paid much attention, other that to accept it.

I am getting better at recognising these patterns of thought and am eased by the way The Happiness Trap explains them. This book helps you understand that many of your thoughts are part of an evolutionary process and are strongly linked to your natural instinct to survive.

Now that humans have evolved, some instincts are misplaced. For example, you may fear writing a blog (a book, a script - anything) because instinctually your brain thinks of all the possible outcomes which includes the horrendous possibility that no one, in a worlds full of billions of people, will like your writing. And if no one likes it, therefore no one likes you. And if no one likes you, then they don't want you in their society. And if you're not part of society, then you die. Good old brain doesn't realise that you won't actually, literally, physically DIE if no one liked your work.

So now I'm just hanging out for Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert to come out! She (apparently) talks a bit about fear + creativity - coz if I didn't already make it apparent, I am afraid. Afraid that my writing isn't good enough but even more so, that I will never reach for anything with my writing because it makes me anxious.

But fuq it.  Year of Doing and all.

My picture

I somewhat shy away from my picture being taken. Not when I’m with friends or family, even though then I still get anxious – will I look good? Is my double chin out again? Do I look natural? Am I enjoying myself? I should probably take another pic just in case.

Some possible reasons:

1/ My mum used to take pictures of me as a kid. Which was both fun and boring. Fun when the picture turned out to be nice. Boring because to get a nice picture it would take half a day. Maybe it was these hours spent in front of the camera that made me look around and see the world as a picture.
2/ Mum would also tell me that make-up is for the stage. And as a mini-ballerina with a mother who always went au natural that seemed plausible enough. That little theory suited me well in high-school. Everyone had gotten used to me never wearing makeup so when I did it was a huge surprise. I quickly figured this out and would wear makeup when I was feeling particularly teenageously hideous aka I had a pimple.
3/ I get uncomfortable about unwarranted sexual attention. I love it when I want it. But I don’t deserve unconditional attention because I’m take the space of a female human shape. I was once told my LinkedIn picture was beautiful. I changed it. Being beautiful is not a necessary factor when applying for a job.In conclusion, I want to participate in social media but I don't find it natural at all. 

I'm generally a private person. An overshare-er because I love awkward humour but private about my personal life. But it's 2016 and I want to be there and be part of the conversation. I have good things to say. I understand various concepts. I know what I stand for. I am doing. I am going to do! To write and express and be present. In this moment. I am here.

13 March 2016, update:

I recently found the hashtag icanbeboth.


This movement expresses what I didn't know existed. That I limited my choices and experiences because I felt I could not be both intelligent and beautiful. That one excluded the other. This was reinforced by many people around me. Most notably, a male friend that I worked with commenting that I was the most fashionable at work (I now dress like a slob to work), that my LinkedIn picture was beautiful (as above) and that if I'm considering a career change I should become a bank teller (after receiving the same education at the same university). 

*blogger is being bullshit and not formatting properly. I have tried 1000 times. What a piece of shit.

Start again

I’m going to start again. Now. And each day that will follow, will start anew. 

Just like the Chinese Year of the Monkey, I have decided that this is the Helena Year of Doing! I am doing - I am learning to code, I am reading my un-read books, I am writing my script and short stories. I am going to go further than I have before, fear my by side, along for the ride.  

For the past year I have been trawling through all the Melbourne based meetups for entrepreneurs to soak in the room and the creativity. In all honesty I was looking for a co-founder. Someone with passion who wanted to make things happen! I have passion and a vision for a holistic, balanced society – one that believes equality is the norm, that animals deserve respect and that ideas can become reality. 

I began working towards this vision through this blog with a friend. When her passion faded, I kept searching. I would look for holes in the market – who has a problem and how can I solve it!? My ideas are grand – a community of families who share babysitting schedules to help minimise the need for day care; dog rescues working with breeders to tackle illegitimate puppy rings; a self-reflective app that helps you analyse your own life. Whenever I would find myself sore with sorrow that I had yet to achieve these dreams, I would write.

I would write about a girl who I loved as a sister and how she deeply hated me. I would write about the inventors and their father who would dream big dreams waiting for their mother to come home. I would write about eating cake from the inside out because the icing was too sweet. 

I am determined to do. I am continuing my life long journey to learn by taking up coding classes, refreshing my statistical analysis skills and entering into writing competitions. I am empathetic in my love for animals and people. I love to hike and wake up early in the morning. I love being at peace with nature. My favourite weather is when it’s windy. I am an aunt of four so I know how to be silly and when to be firm. 

I have a broad and diverse background. I started life as an actor and grew to love film making. I studied film but feared I could not make it into a career. I went to university and studied Arts - majoring in history and politics. I fell in love with economics when it showed me a way to understand peoples incentives and prove social behaviours. I graduated with a double degree in Arts and Economics with honours in Economics. But my heart always stayed with writing.

I am awesome and it wont take you long to see that. I care about my work, loved ones and myself. I’m a vegan Melbournian so you know I have a regular stash of Pana chocolate around the house.